Dante’s Infernal Disaster
Jonanthan Knight is either a consumate professional or an idiot.
He’s the executive producer (and creative director) of a game you may have heard buzz about by the name of Dante’s Inferno. More likely you have heard of the poetic version (I hear it isn’t very faithful to the game). The game is a reimagining of the epic chronicle of a man’s journey through the 9 levels of hell. The poem is an allegory, a complex construction of the 14th century medieval Christian concepts of sin and the afterlife, a widely known work of literature which has many percieved meanings, and delves into topics religious, scientific and philosophical.
It makes perfect sense, then, to make the game version a skull-crushing, hard-ass, demon-slaying, mother-fucking rip snorter of an action game. No it doesn’t, you are an idiot.
Sure, it sounds like a great concept for a video game - a man’s journey through the many trials of the afterlife. But everything about this game screams “Holy suck, Batman” and it’s not even close to release yet.
Dante Alighieri, the poet, is replaced by Dante McCockrockington, the imposing warrior psychopath. Instead of a contemplative, introspective journey through the medieval concept of the afterlife, Dante will fight through the 9 levels of Hell to defeat SATAN HIMSELF (presumably so he can piss into his pansy-ass face). There’s nothing about this game I can mention without it sounding stupid. You beat up Death at the start and steal his scythe. Dante has a red cross stitched into the flesh of his rippling chest. There’s supposedly a love triangle between you, your girlfriend and the Devil. All, apparently, without a shred of irony.
Mr Knight has been doing the rounds with interviews promoting the game - by which I mean he has been vomiting pre-packaged answers to the press over and over again. A favourite so far:
“There is a spectacular mix of fighting, puzzle solving, dramatic timed sequences, platforming, huge set pieces, boss fights, enemy variety, and epic story telling.”
Holy shit, Jonathan. Why didn’t you tell me you’re making THE BEST GAME EVER CONCIEVED BY MAN OR GOD? I’ll be running out to the shop right away, sir. Finally, a game with exciting concepts like “enemy variety”.
I’m not saying that this game won’t be good (it probably won’t) or that there’s no place for games based on literature - this would actually be a good thing. But guys, really. Which circle of Hell will you be sent to for this piece of uninspired trash? Stay tuned for more epic retellings of classic literature, including the exciting adaptation of Plato’s Socratic dialogues! Guide Socrates over lava platforms and past angry warlocks to collect the golden coins of philosophical insight, but watch out for EVIL SENATORS.