Freaking.Space.Lasers

Nobody is perfect. There are some fantastic games out there, sublime samples of entertainment that eat up your time and warm your heart. But nobody is perfect. Sometimes when you’re playing a game it can quickly turn from “Wow I love this game and want its babies!” to “HULK SMASH PUNY TELEVISION!”

Below is a list of instances when an otherwise good game has tripped and fallen flat on its face - or in some cases simply given the finger to its audience.

1. Prince of Persiamerica

The Prince of Persia: Sands of Time is a magical journey through a fantastical adventure, not to mention some great gaming. The game was like a storybook come to life, as you guided the titular Prince through a Maharajah’s cursed palace, battling monsters external and internal.

Then for the sequel, all the developers smoked some really awesome shit and turned the franchise into a pile of bollocks.

Our arrogant-yet-loveable Prince with his soft British accent and royal upturned nose became a filthy american action hero for Prince of Persia: Warrior Within, apparently spending the time between games lifting weights and drinking bear semen. While in the first game he grumbled about the modern woman, bemoaned his own stupidity and sarcastically appraised the maddening situation he was in, his most memorable line from the second game is “YOU BITCH!”

2. Metal Gear Solid 2: Beloved Characters Suck

In a similar vein, the original Metal Gear Solid offered gamers the chance to step into the shoes of Solid Snake - the most hardcore son of a bitch since the last hardcore son of a bitch. Given the IMMENSE popularity of the game and its main character, a sequel was inevitable and much anticipated. Hideo Kojima (mad genius game developer, heavy on the mad) presented Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty to an eager public. Then an hour or so into the game, a massive dick appeared in your ass.

Kojima was raping you, and using a japanese pretty-boy to do it. It rapidly became clear that Snake wasn’t the main character in MGS2, some jerkoff named Raiden was. Girly blonde hair, whiney voice, ridiculous backstory and a girlfriend so annoying that she could melt the skin off your face. Hard-ass spy action was replaced with effeminate cartwheeling, often broken up with scenes of Raiden’s vapid chickadee trying her best to slice off his penis remotely using only the power of her voice.

3. Fable’s Ageing System

“Fable” is another way to say “old story”. Lionhead apparently took this to heart in thier game of the same name.

Fable was a reasonably fun action RPG in which you control a young boy who is subjected to the classic childhood trauma and grows up to be a legendary hero or villain, depending on your choices. The game offered the chance to follow your character’s journey into adulthood, fulfilling his lifelong quest for revenge and marrying barmaids.

Unfortunately, the in-game clock was a little off, meaning that your character aged fast. Really fast. Generally speaking, you were lucky if you could make it through half of the game before your hero was in his 60s. Sure, he was pretty fit for an old man, but he was still an old man. Adding to that was baldness. Getting old could make you bald, using too much magic would make you bald, being evil WOULD MAKE YOU BALD.

Nobody wants to save the world playing as their dad. Fortunately there was no game function that forced you to wear a wool cardigan and complain about how kids these days don’t listen to real music.

4. A Tour of The Library with Halo

We all know Halo. People who never touched a controller in their lives know Halo. Jesus plays Halo. First-person shooter predicated on the idea of “30 seconds of fun”. Or rather, a lot of 30 second periods of fun strung together. The games pride themselves on short bursts of enjoyable action which never overstay their welcome, keeping them fresh.

The Library level is the antithesis of this idea, and is comprised of 7 billion identical floors of a dark, round bluish metal structure which you are forced to wander around while shooting things in the dark. Bungie made a real effort to combine the feeling of being a powerful space marine in an epic battle to save the galaxy with the excitement of walking in circles and looking at walls.

5. Oblivion Gates

By all accounts, the fourth game in the Elder Scrolls series, Oblivion, is a fulfilling and varied experience. There is a sense of grand freedom and variety in the game, which allows you to become anything from a dashing thief, to a fierce warrior, to a complete fucking bastard.

Or you can do the main quest.

Chiefly this involves closing some gates so you can keep the farmer’s sheep inside. Or something to do with demons. It really doesn’t matter because you will be asleep. Closing a menacing looking Oblivion gate involves such exciting tasks as “go through that door”, “kill that dude” and “pick up that stone”. If you thought that was super fun and you’re sorry it’s over, don’t worry, you’ll have to do it another 10 times. And if you don’t want to scratch out your eyes out after all that red bloom then you’re stronger than I am.

6. Fahrenheit Loses the Plot

Known as Indigo Prophecy in the USA (presumably for people who can’t spell/read/comprehend simple motifs or concepts, or for those who agree that imperial units are fecking stupid), Fahrenheit was a kicker of a strange game involving a man who wakes up covered in blood and amnesia, having apparently killed a man. There were some major mind-twists and suspenseful moments, as well as genuinely fantastic ideas - a personal favourite being that you played as both the murderer trying to cover up his crime and the detectives trying to catch him. The mystery is the real hook, though, and the story moves along nicely as the main characters try to make sense of everything amongst horrors both natural and supernatural.

There comes a point, however, when it all goes so horribly, forcefully, insanely wrong, that the very foundations of the world shook. I won’t spoil it for anyone, as it is something that one should really experience first-hand. All I’ll say is old lady wheelchair matrix superman zombie helicopter sex snow base military aztec cherry blossom end of the world mushroom.