Odd Numbers: 6 Reasons to Hate Games
Sometimes games just shit you right off. It’s not that they’re bad games, exactly, it’s just that they do bad things. Nobody really knows why they keep doing these bad things. Don’t they know they’re KILLING THEIR MOTHER?
1. Swimming/Underwater Levels
In real life, swimming is a fun and relaxing activity. In games, swimming is a way to punish you for reaching the swimming level. As if it wasn’t frustrating enough to have an extra dimension to deal with, you also have to monitor a ridiculous bar that records how close you are to death by drowning. So you get lost, run out of oxygen, and contemplate sticking your real head in your real toilet to make it stop.
2. Sniper Sections
I can honestly say that I have never thought, while playing a game involving guns, that I was too close to the targets, had too much control and my field of vision was too large.
3. Flying Assholes
For some reason, designers also think that stopping what you’re doing to to swat away flies is totally one of the best experiences in life. So they attempt to replicate that by making your game self battle crows, bats, slugs, moths, bats, bats, beetles and bats. Epic distraction action! Play with your friends!
4. Fetch Quests
Why yes, I do want to sail all over the world looking for 72 shards of the magical gem key. Thank you for offering!
5. Escort Missions
If you’ve ever been powering through a game thinking “gee whiz, this would be much more super keen if I had to look after a defenceless little girl at the same time” then game developers are looking out for your needs. Nothing murders your enjoyment of a fun action-oriented game faster than a slow-moving, whiney, instant game over screen following you around like a feckless puppy.
6. QTEs
Quick Time Events hope to trick you into thinking you are awesome by making you press buttons in simple combinations while showing you kickass things. It’s as badass as pressing the pause button on a DVD. You stud.